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Elmo
Elmo is the godless commie killing machine who is the leader of the Sesame Street Mafia. He has recently been put in prison by Jesus for 1) Trying to become the Antichrist, and (2) Hypnotizing little children and making them buy his stupid 'tickle me Elmo' toys, obviously a very, very dirty toy. He is serving life in hell for his crimes. Elmo only portrays a three year old on television, but is able to drive a car (that runs on imagination). He gave his "friend" Cookie Monster a ride to The Colbert Report for his nailing. Life and Career Elmo was born in Brooklyn, the son of the devil and 'Babylon Dynamite', some stripper from the 80's. He was put in foster care after his half drunk mother tried to rob a conveniece store, only to realize she was yelling at a phone booth. After graduating high school, he became involved in drug running. I mean, literally, running. The police always knew who sold the snuff because it was covered in red fur. He was incarcerated for DUI, but released in 1992. He left Brooklyn to go to the small city of Sesame Street, where the sadly gullible Mr. Noodle took him in. Elmo became the top (albeit, only) drug lord in the city. He recruited the able workers, some of the Muppets, to do his dirty work. Big Bird, Cookie Monster, and Grover have all have major positions in the Mafia. Elmo's World The realm known as Elmo's World is the home to the most fearsome muppet in the world, Elmo. It was created when Satan, Elmo's natural father bestowed him with a wicked crayon. The crayon could bend reality and create objects that were possesed by demon souls, allowing him to take over the world. The brave souls Zidel Fastro, Adolphin Timler, Luceph Lawlin, Darth Varen, and Karl Marks, who are loyal disciples of Colbert's truthiness, ventured into this demonic world. The poor lads put up a valiant fight against Elmo's minions such as his goldfish, his demonic muppet minions, and Elmo himself and his sick soulless rhymes. The group of warriors barely escaped his hellish realm with their arses intact. They drew on the power of Colbert's might and ran for their lives. They didn't have the proper protection for Elmo's godless rhymes. Luckily these paladins of truthiness are still alive. Threats Elmo is known to threaten to kill children and may have murdered 300 spartans. These three hundred spartans fought valiantly against Elmo and his demonic ways alongside the Council of Doom which is now currently in control of Elmo's World. Luceph Lawlin is now making plans to infiltrate the Grouch's trash can and further spread the rule of the Council of Doom. Anyone wishing to join our cause can pay $10,000 to the Council of Doom. The Grouch is ruling his world with absolute power and brutal treatment. Elmo has fled to this hellhole and is supporting the Grouch. The movements begin in August of 2008. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/02/22/delaney.death.threat.elmo.cnn The Battle For Elmo's World In the beginning, the Council of Doom was formed to prevent outbreaks of power such as that of Elmo. The Council saw the problem immediately and began taking action. As Elmo's power grew in Sesame Street and Elmo's World, the Council slowly worked their way into this horrible and hellish place. Acting as spies, Zidel Fastro and Luceph Lawlin spent weeks studying the actions of Elmo. They sent reports back to headquarters on the moon. Within three months, they had a battle plan ready. With 300 spartans, ninja pandas, dolphin hounds, and insane prison workers, the Council attacked Elmo in his sleep. He was ready though. He had guards set up outside his room. These were Elmo's cousins, who he cared little about and retreated while they fought the Council. Adolphin Timler managed to convince the guards to join the Council. Elmo had slipped away into his demonic Elmo's World. The odds were against the Council. Here Elmo had absolute power, especially with his red crayon. He created monsters that no human being can imagine. The Council of Doom was falling apart and had to act fast. Karl Marks sent the prison workers to attack Elmo head on, while the Spartans flanked the tyrannical beast. The plan worked but with terrible losses. All 300 spartans were struck by lightning and are now non-existent. All but 4 prison workers died, they are now in security detail for the Council. 214 of the 15000 ninja pandas died. The greatest army of them all, the dolphin hounds, has not lost a single recruit to this day. They continue to be the powerhouse army for the Council, while many other hybrid species are being bred. The Battle of Elmo's World is one that should not be talked about, but remembered forever as a great example of the negative effects of tyrants and the ability we humans have to delinquish these threats to our society. Elmo's Whereabouts Reports from Council spies tell us that Elmo is currently holed up in northern Afghanistan with Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden. This is not certain as the disguised car bombs that look like Tickle-Me Elmo also look like the actual Elmo. With these in circulation, no one can find Elmo and be positive about it. Elmo should not be approached by unarmed citizens. Instead, call the Council of Doom for assistance from the dolphin hounds. This elite army will sniff out the car bombs and the real Elmo. The Story of the Spartans After the Spartans were struck by red lightning they were teloported to Elmo's hidden torture facility. They were brainwashed into godless commie warriors. They marched against the Adolphin Timler, their former mentor, but the dolphins hounds made short work of them. However, there was... side effects. 300 of the dolphin hounds became unstoppable and uncontrollable. However Zidel's genious allowed him to create a brain chip. Now the Council has 300 unstoppable Dolphin Spartans. Elmo's Evil Followers Elmo has, for years, ever since the beginning of the brainwashing show, Sesame Street, been gaining supporters to do his un-truthiness work. He has been trying to destroy Stephen Colbert and end his show of the American Way and Truthiness for all even before it aired on October 17, 2005. Some of the more famous followers of Elmo are Big Bird, the Cookie Monster, Barney, Dora The Explorer, Tickle-Me Elmos, Care Bears, the Berenstein Bears, Arthur Timothy Read and of course Mr. Noodle. These threats to the Council and Colbert's truthiness are being planned against with the Council's armies and other useful resources. Such as the Russian sattelites that no one uses anymore. By far, Tickle-Me Elmos and Barney are the biggest threats with Barney's god powers and the mass numbers of the Tickle-Me Elmos. To date, more than 350 million Tickle-Me Elmos exist in our once somewhat calm world. Sources tell the Council that no one is to take these followers lightly as they are all armed with ion cannons. Like minature versions of the one in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. These guns cause massive radiation on the target and temporary paralysis. The Council is currently designing a new type of jellyfish that does not require water and will be 20 times as deadly as the box jellyfish of northern Australia, that island thing out there in the southern Pacific. (stupid kangaroos) These jellyfish will become the SAS of the Council and will attack with ruthless force. The threats of Elmo's followers will be eliminated as soon as 2015, but mistakes in calculations may have occured. Elmo is a threat to humankind and should not be taken seriously. Ever. He is just a red furry piece of crap that gets other pieces of crap to flush his toilet of crap for him to the crap treatment plants. I know, I pwn. The Latest Report for Colbert and All of His Followers Late last night, after the Council had cleaned up the Grouch's mess, a loud thundering boom came from the distance. Under the night sky, a faint red glow could be seen coming from where the disturbance was heard. The Council slowly advanced through the thick forest to the sight of the noise to find Elmo himself. He had his red crayon and was drawing some horrific monsters, and for some reason, had captured Colbert's pet goldfish, Anthrax. The Council quickly came up with a plan, and with perfect precision, executed it. The ninja pandas and the dolphin hounds instantly flew into the scene ready to fight Elmo. The kamikaze squirrels snuck through the edge of the forest, while the leprechauns were up on the hills above, ready to snipe anyone who posed a threat the the Council themselves. The dolphin hounds took care of the army Elmo had made, the pandas got Elmo, and he is now in our holding facility, and the squirrels are currently on a visit to Colbert to return his loyal goldfish to its rightful owner. Many studies are planned to be done on Elmo, to see why he seems so nice on his show, but so evil everywhere else. Elmo's Darkest Sekret He is actually a sekret Kenyan mooslim. External Tubes *Elmo's girlfriend *The Elmo Scandal *Elmo suffers from PTD *GOP to fire Elmo *How Elmo is a threat to our children